The Five Funniest Things to Look Out for this Season

August 8, 2016 | Filed Under: Blog 

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The Five Funniest Things to Look Out for this Season

August is here and we all know what that means: your favourite players will return to ruin your weekends with hopeless performances before being chauffeur driven back to their glamour model girlfriends and million pound penthouses to tweet pictures of their cars to anyone who criticises them.

Look on the bright side: at least the beautiful game gives you a laugh from time to time. Here are the five funniest things to look forward to this season.

Sam Allardyce as England Manager 

The English national team is the comedy gift that keeps on giving. From Rio Ferdinand warming up for a World Cup by “mercing” his teammates to Steve McLaren’s wally with a brolly routine, satirists don’t have to look far for encouragement.

Apparently not content with crashing out of the Euros to a country most England players thought was a supermarket chain, the FA struggled to appoint a new manager in a time of mass unemployment.

When Gareth Southgate thinks you’re beneath him you know you’re in trouble. Sam Allardyce beneath Gareth Southgate is an image literally no one wants in their head, but there he was, Big Sam, at the bottom of a list that probably also included David Brent and Alan Partridge.

Big Sam bravely took the job literally no one wanted, and that literally no one wanted him to take. Good luck to him.

 

Jose Mourinho Poking Pep Guardiola in the Eye

Here’s a question: what do four year olds and legendary tactical genius and compulsive winner Jose Mourinho have in common?

The answer is: everything. Four year olds think they’re special and that they should win all the time. When they win they gloat and rub their triumph in everyone else’s faces and when they lose they look like Jose Mourinho last year: sullen, desperate, on the verge of tears.

Then they lash out. It was the media, the players, the suspiciously good-looking team doctor to blame not me, master tactician and oh-so-Special One. I don’t believe Jose Mourinho screamed “it’s not fair Mum!” in any of his press conferences last year but then I don’t speak Portuguese.

Mourinho was much better behaved in Spain, particularly when he snuck up on Tito Vilanova, Pep Guardiola’s Barcelona assistant, and poked him in the eye during a touchline ruckus before claiming that every title Barcelona won while he was in Spain (a lot more than Mourinho won when he was in Spain) was because they cheated. Pep Guardiola should wear goggles for next season’s Manchester derbies.

Arsene Wenger Signing Nobody 

Arsene Wenger is the greatest wind-up merchant in football. Who wants to sign a competent centre-back and a holding midfielder to ensure a title triumph when you can take a punt on a promising 17-year-old instead?

Arsenal have money in the bank. No wonder. Individual season tickets cost more than Wenger’s average yearly transfer outlay. Arsenal overcharge their supporters to borderline criminal degrees then preach to them the necessity of economic prudence.

Wenger is the billionaire who shops in Lidl, the miser sleeping beneath a soiled rug on a hard wooden floor popped up by three tonnes of gold bullion. He has such an eye for a bargain he’ll even buy back damaged goods – won’t he Mathieu Flamini? – rather than address the catastrophic failings down the spine of his team.

Go on, dream Arsenal fans, there’s still a month till the transfer deadline day. Dreams are free, as they say. No wonder Wenger has his head in the clouds.

Literally Everything Jurgen Klopp Says

Who says Germans don’t have a sense of humour? Even when you can’t understand him – which, let’s be honest, is a lot of the time – Jurgen Klopp is hilarious.

“Kloppo” is the ultimate Christmas uncle – the affable, potentially drunk, mildly creepy wearer of a knitted jumper who has all the best lines and all the worst presents.

Still, at least he’s banished Sakho. That’s a few less presents for Liverpool’s opposition next year.

Antonio Conte Losing It On the Touchline

Managers are often referred to as having a “touchline presence.” Watchers of Euro 2016 – at least, the ones that didn’t fall into a catatonic coma brought about by the total loss of the will to live – will know that new Chelsea manager Antonio Conte certainly has a touchline presence. It may be the touchline presence of an epileptic raver transfixed by strobe lights but it’s a presence all the same. Chelsea are third favourites to win the title this year with most bookies (get a sports promotional code).

When someone is referred to as The Godfather by an Italian squad that includes Leonardo Bonucci – a man so hard he chased a man with a gun down the street during a day out with his family – you know that he’s got character. This year’s fourth officials might need bodyguards.

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